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01 Roles at home
From the questionnaire
The husband should be the head of the household.
Housework should be split 50/50.
Why we ask
Few questions are answered as confidently, or as differently, by two people who are otherwise a good fit. Both a traditional home and an equal one can be happy. What does not work is each partner assuming the other shares their picture, and finding out on the first busy week with a newborn.
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02 Money
From the questionnaire
Supporting extended family financially is an obligation.
I shouldn't need to check with my partner before buying something with my own money.
Why we ask
For many of our members, money in a marriage is never only the couple's. Parents, siblings and relatives abroad are part of the budget, and for some that is simply what family means. For others it is a line they did not know they had. The sooner both know which kind of home they are building, the fewer surprises there are.
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03 Home and living
From the questionnaire
I'm open to living with in-laws.
It's normal for relatives to stay with us for extended periods.
Why we ask
Where you live and who lives with you shapes every ordinary day of a marriage. In some families a long visit from relatives is love; in others it is a strain nobody mentions. Neither is wrong, and it is far easier to agree on before there is a spare room and a plane ticket involved.
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04 Culture and heritage
From the questionnaire
Family approval of my partner is required before marriage.
How important are bride price, dowry or traditional marriage rites to you?
Why we ask
A marriage often joins two families as much as two people, and traditions carry expectations that are rarely spelled out. Knowing whether a blessing is required, and which customs matter, lets two people plan a wedding and a life that honours both families rather than disappoints one of them.
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05 Faith
From the questionnaire
Our children should be raised in a specific faith.
Faith leaders' guidance should shape major family decisions.
Why we ask
Faith is not one question but many: how often, how strictly, how it shapes decisions, and how it will be passed on. Two people of the same faith can practise it very differently, and two of different faiths can build a home together if they have talked it through. We ask these only with your explicit permission, and they start private.
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06 Family and children
From the questionnaire
One parent should stay home with young children.
Aging parents should live with their adult children.
Why we ask
Wanting children is only the beginning. Who stays home, how involved grandparents are, and who cares for parents as they grow older are the decisions that fill the years after. They are also the ones couples most often assume rather than discuss.
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07 Marriage
From the questionnaire
Divorce is acceptable if both partners are unhappy.
Love is a decision more than a feeling.
Why we ask
Everyone here wants a lasting marriage, but not everyone means the same thing by it. What commitment asks of you on a hard day, and what, if anything, would end it, are beliefs worth knowing in each other before you promise.
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08 Trust and boundaries
From the questionnaire
Partners should share phone and social media passwords.
Close friendships with the opposite sex are fine in marriage.
Why we ask
What feels like openness to one person feels like being watched to another, and what one calls a harmless friendship another calls a boundary crossed. These are the everyday edges of trust, and agreeing on them early prevents many of the arguments that are really about something else.
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09 Communication
From the questionnaire
It's okay to ask trusted elders or friends to mediate conflicts.
Couples should never go to bed angry.
Why we ask
Every couple disagrees. What differs is what happens next: some want to settle it tonight, some need a day, some would bring in a trusted elder and some would never let anyone outside the marriage hear it. Knowing each other's way of repairing is worth more than any promise never to argue.
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10 Work and ambition
From the questionnaire
I'd take a career break to care for children or family.
I want to eventually live in my home country.
Why we ask
Careers and countries move. Whether one of you would step back for family, and where you each see yourselves growing old, can quietly decide which city you live in and whose ambitions come first. Better to know where you are each heading before you set off together.
There are no right answers. There are honest ones.
Nothing here is scored, and no answer makes you a better or worse match in general. An honest answer finds the people who can live with the real you. An answer chosen to look good finds people who chose someone you are not.
If you are reading this as a couple, try answering the statements separately and then comparing. Most of the useful conversations start where you expected to agree and did not.
